florida

Florida. “Welcome home” they say at the port terminal. Really? welcome home.

I am overwhelmed and drowning. I don’t know that I can adequately describe how confusing everything is. I was in India for six weeks- home for maybe one and a half- and then back out. I haven’t been here an extended period since June. What is home?

So many people left the ship overjoyed. “It was the experience of a lifetime. I totally recommend it.” “Best time of my life.” “The ship was amazing.”
I remember a trip with a friend in Istanbul; I say she is an amazing and beautiful person. She replies, “Really? How do you know? I can’t see good now. I can see beauty, yes, but not good or bad.”
I’ve heard a lot of people describing the world as their playground.

I can’t say I didn’t have an amazing time- amazing in the sense of- well, I was amazed. But that doesn’t always mean fun. I wouldn’t want to leave this trip like, “Whee!!!! Fuck yeah I went crazy everywhere and had a blast.” Of course I had a great time many places, but the entire time I’ve been thinking-analyzing-reflecting. I think my eyes have been open for a while- but this trip did something more. Opened my heart? My energy? Coming ‘home’ is one of the most painful things I’ve ever done. Sorry to the rents. Aside from that, I don’t feel I have a home. The house is where my parents live, but I couldn’t move in there. Not now, not after everything. New Orleans is a home- unless nature decides to bury her in centuries of human neglect and inevitable change. On the flip side, I could go anywhere. I feel I could be dropped anywhere and survive. How is it I feel this way about the world, and not here?

End point: I have to process.

Traveling, looking around. So much beauty, but so much pain. I feel like I could do something- that inevitable feeling, as spiderman says, that with great power comes great responsibility. I don’t want to say that the world is my playground- as if I’m going to run around and tear shit up. The world is not here purely for my enjoyment. Of course, I will enjoy it. I will love it and roll in it and cry for it- but there needs to be a sense of care. I am compelled.

Let’s see where I am after a week of thought and meditation, shall we?

All these pictures came from Burma. Reflecting on my trip- my best pictures have come from Burma. Complete beauty. I felt-terrible at times-when I was there. I saw the pain. Looking back, I see the beauty. I wonder what I would find if I returned.

the journey

Dec. 4th/5th/why be a slave to time?

Learning. Someone shared the tale of a recovering druggie at home- this friend told him before he came on this voyage to learn, learn, learn. Not to have fun- to learn. Another girl shares her bout with clinical depression. She has learned again to love life, but realizes the value of walking through the dark. I see a lot of dark sometimes on this boat—but like I used to tell a friend, think of how much more powerful I will be at the end.

This trip has helped me to find my voice. I have realized I don’t know many things, but found strength to speak out about the things I do. I have questioned pretty much everything.

You know, this was planned out as a journal- a chronicle of my adventures to fill in all the folks back home. But I think I would bore you with a mere list- it wouldn’t do justice to my experience or your mental depth. Hope you don’t mind.

Pictures to come (in maybe a few weeks J )

Espana

LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!! As chris Langley used to say: rawr!

What have I learned? What has been the purpose of all this? Fun is a transitory and somewhat shallow emotion- what exceeded that? Croatia offered much time for contemplation- a quiet, wintry land. Spain- craziness. I realize once again that there are niches all over the world that I would love.

There is both exhilaration and fear that accompanies the realization: I can go anywhere and survive. I am a tiny person in a huge world. Everything is bigger than me and yet I am a part of it all.

I have so very much to learn, as do we all. Traveling simply increases the awareness of my own empty mind. Lord do I try to fill it, but the world is far too large. And so I have worked on my heart- keep it open, keep it full. Has it worked? I hope. Hope.


So for a while, Bowie has graced my mind: chchchchanges..turn and face the strange, chchchanges, pretty soon now your gonna get older, time may change me, but I can’t change time

Notes to self (and you): listen to more rage against the machine
Learn to tag
Dance
Don’t Worry, Be Happy

I’m so glad I’m not Milagro- so glad to be me.

Note to others: stop listening to others when they are negative. If someone tells you you can’t do something- it’s only impossible in their fearful reality, and that is an illusion. Ignore them to the fullest and find your own path. You are all birds, and you are free.


To catch up:

Croatia- swimming, islands, rock, wine, cheese, climbing

Spain- major art museums of Madrid- the Prado and Reina Sofia, complete lack of sleep, gitanos, bar fights (not me not me!), playgrounds, pubs clubs and discos, calimocho, rage, dreadlocks, rastas, lights, more gitanos!!!, flamenco, big skirts and tight pants, white suits, more wine, cathedrals of epic proportions, postcards, pigeons, milagro, and uh- trains? –oh, socialism too, god bless