Comfort

Life has been really spectacular. Life has been comfortable, exciting, scary. Scary because for the first time in years I have settled into an area, a niche, a group of people who love me... I'm not scared of graduating; I'm ready to be done with this damned thesis. I realize, however, that I am scared this will all go away. I've been high for so long, and I remember the lows and I don't want to go back there. I couldn't take it. I think I'm a stronger person now--as if all this good has somehow built me up and prepared me for what comes next.

I suppose I'm headed back to asia. On halloween night I gave myself one year to get to Nepal- Kopan monastery for the november course. It seemed like a good direction. I've been questioning a bit lately--am I really going to go back to Asia by myself? God, this summer was witness to some truly amazing hallmarks of my life. But there was also loneliness, and the oddity of being a white woman alone in a collective, foreign society. Nepal would be different. What a blessing to be inundated in the dharma for so long.

What would I do if I stayed here? Huh.

It's the beginning of spring break here. New Orleans is perfect in the spring and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. As friends leave, however, I am realizing, or rather feeling, for the first time the loss that I will feel in May. I know, I am always the preacher of change- flow like the river! Don't cling to the banks! But the banks have been so damned good to me this spring.

I have faith in myself and my future. I know I'm strong and capable, and I'm sure that wherever I land I will find beautiful people. I suppose now, however, I just feel tremendously grateful for all the beautiful people who love me here--and I will miss them terribly.